Two years later...

It's been almost two years since my last post. So many things change and so many things stay the same.

Today is Thanksgiving. I am thankful for so much in life. I feel lucky and blessed.

Both of the kids are in school these days. I work part time in the educational system here in Alaska. It is a very eye opening experience.

Last month I had a miscarriage. It wasn't a planned pregnancy, but it really made us think. I thought we were done having children, but after losing one we decided we were going to try for one more. Never thought it would be hard to get pregnant. We never had to try with my other two children. I guess that is what happens when you get older.

I hope everyone has a wonderful turkey day!

Mortality never becomes more clearer then when you have children. I've always had OCD, but once I was pregnant it controlled my life. Even today when my kids are 3 and 5, it still has a grasp on me. It's debilitating. It is the fear of one thing, multiplied by 100, and then put on repeat. Some of my tendencies have gotten better, some worse. My fear of germs is getting a little better, but my fear of death is almost suffocating. I don't want to be on medications. I want a brain that works NORMAL. Or at least will let me live daily without constant fear of my death or those around me.

Woke up this morning and shoveled the snow. Heavy snow! I could smell all the families cooking their meals. I honestly didn't think I was going to be upset. I kind of am. In a little while I am going to a friend's house for Thanksgiving. It isn't like I am alone. I thought sometime this week someone in my husband's shop would have called just to check up on me or ask if I was good for Thanksgiving. Not a one. You always watch those military shows where the women get reach out to those in need (not that I am). It isn't like I would have accepted it, but sometimes it is just the thought that counts.

I talked to my family back home. They are all doing well. Hearing the sounds of a happy, love-filled home makes me sad. I want to be with them. My house is happy and love-filled, but I would love to be with all my family. I have a sister I have not seen since she was 8 months or so and a brother I have never seen. I will be very glad when my husband is back home.

Thankfulness

After this past week, I can honestly say that I am thankful for a lot more then ever before. I even could go further and say that I did not even know truly what thankful meant. It takes one second of any given minute and your life is different. I know this now.

I really don't even know why I started this blog. Most likely I will not keep up with it. It's not that I am a quitter. I'm just a forgetter. The memory of a goldfish. It's actually quite embarrassing.

It is officially Thanksgiving and I would like to say what I am thankful for. I am thankful for my children, my husband, my family, my friends, and my life. I take things for granted and I shouldn't, but it is honestly so easy to. I will be celebrating Thanksgiving with a close friend this year as my husband is on a trip with the military. He will be home only a day or two after it so we can have our family one then. I am a bit sad, but that is life as a wife of a serviceman. I think I hate more the fact he misses out so much on the children's lives. My son's class had a Thanksgiving Feast and he unfortunately missed it. Sometimes I don't think the kids even understand the dynamics of their dad. I know soon enough my husband's career will change and he will be here all the time. Our family will be different.